How does ∞ apply to your life? How do you find it???

Note: Question me how I know what I write and I will say, " How I have the ability to know this I'll never understand." Ask me how I was able to even grasp such a powerful mindset. I'll tell you "Ask, believe, and you will receive."

I never really used to believe that I was really smart. I struggled and school and I hated math and grammar with a passion. What do they have in common? Formality, symmetry, structure. Bleh!

For years and years I tried to live my life by coloring in the lines, so to speak. My best

attributes were in art class and ceramics, but because my freedom to express in abstract

perspective was suppressed, I had not a choice but to color in the lines and make everything as perfect as possible. My share of friends and circle of dependency made an impact on my expression for sure, but I know for a fact that I had been, for a very long time, streamlined and mainstreamed for a sedentary educational experience.

Once a free child long ago, my life dramatically altered in schooling years. As soon as I could recite the abc's I was set firmly on a conveyer belt of "knowledge" and "education," suitable for making me into one of many:

Let's just say I was one of few individuals that not only passed this expectation, but learned also the integration of life skills and personal mind-set attributes for life. The latter is tossed out of today's "critical thinkers' agenda." The main point washed out long ago began a domino effect of blindness. There are few whos' are opened to see brainwashed undertones of the entire schooling system. I would be one of them.

This goes back to MLK's speech on the purpose of education. Our class had an essay assignment to analyze the topic, and wouldn't you know I only got a B on it. Typical. I know for a fact that MLK was genius! In fact, he had the mindset to live above and beyond what education would allow, and people did not like that idea at all! It can be observed that a population of discrimination was in regards to race, but a greater matter-of-fact may be that he was denounced because of his ability to know more than he should.

People who know too much are heard of in society for a short while, and they are even taught within the school system. The difference is the expressed truth in their life. Facts are erased and stories are taught in ways the mainstream would like figures of success to be portrayed.

I never knew up until the 19th or 20th year of my life that Albert Einsten was regarded as being stupid in his schooling years. They talk about his success and scientific discoveries, but they never mentioned in school books that he was, in fact, an outcast.

I'm happy that I found this out within my young adult years. Who knows where I would be if I had drained my conscious by doing the one thing I don't want to do..."GO TO COLLEGE." If my life depended on it I would not go to college for the purpose of living a good life...to live the american dream... (or scheme. ) Sure, I'll learn what I need for trade, but all together college would not fulfill the gaping hole in my life to have success, or happiness, or joy. My success is not the world's success...or even my own for that matter.

My deep light understanding of understanding is that one's success alone cannot be established by one's little lonesome self. If you want something, you're gonna have to give at some point in your life.

I was prompted the question during a fascinating conversation on set of this amazing 1940's film last week. Note: Conversations on set are of rather dimensional degree. In the business of relating, the diversity of chit-chat among many creative beings withdraws a heavy sensation of vibrations in the atmosphere.

"Why do you want to be married?" the young missionary chap asked. "What are you looking to find in a marriage?"

Oh crap. I had no idea what to say, judged by the schmeared muscle formality of my forehead, the tingling flow of life in my veins, and my inability to breathe or speak...all in the same moment in spacious time. I had no idea what to say. I guessed I always knew, but I certainly didn't. Obviously, I had some hard core discovery, meditation, prayer, and unconstricted

thinking to do.

Thoughts: At least I was in peace with life when he asked. It was evident by the glorious expanse of red velvet and the old-time movie screen. Nothing to know but that I was where I was meant to be at that particular point in time. The intersection of purpose and dreams. I had felt no greater confirmation in life than to be challenged in faith during that resonating peace.

I'll have to admit... times of growth cause the silt and sludge of your inmost being to awaken. Comfort is as if you left a pile of dirty laundry in the closed and it reeked for a week and then the smell just became familiar. Growth is when somebody new might just be a part of your life and you'd be terrified if they ever saw what was in that closet. The right and natural thing to do would be to start cleaning and restoring every bit of your existence to leave nothing in access but a willing heart and a clean start... for something entirely brand new. (To never go back...ever again) 180°.

All the cleaning in my material life and thought life to realize there was some cleaning going on in my spiritual life, that very day.

The only difference is that I am not doing the cleaning. Interesting. I'll tell you how.

I responded to the young missionary that I had never thought about that particular answer before and we talked all the more about life and happen-stances of circumstances that are completely out of our control. Family, friends, relationships, work... we can have some odd idea of how something is going to turn out based on our goal making decisions, but there is no absolute knowing of resolution.

Before I could even go on with my life, the young missionary had figured me out! Take this to heart and soul... If you listen to someones heart, you might actually be able to see it. I suppose that is what happened and while it was very different at first, I began to see things all different.

I learned, as I still am learning, that I constantly look for some sort of embrace. Whether my search is on the front lines of my thoughts or not, I am subconsciously seeking for someone, something, to fill this void of embrace...safety...security.

For once in my young life I had realized that instead of a pursuit for a soul single person, I needed to be in heavy pursuit of an all knowing, matchmaking, loving God who would give me more than I could ever receive from anybody on earth.

Sorry, self, I have to rely on the greater counselor within to be connected above so then perhaps I will have some connection during my life on earth... grounded like hot wires to never be severed because... you can't have a positive charge without a negative.

I'm not talking good and bad, I'm talking linear infinity. Think of a timeline. The number 0 is neutral... then the number system goes in all directions infinitely. I was going to say both directions, but there are so much more. I believe time in essence of "here and now is drawn out in a shape similar to a cylinder cone...

It makes sense to me I assure you, but if you were to take this object and look at it from a birds eye view It may seem flat or non-dimensional... what is extraordinary is that here in now resides within that point... with infinity surrounding us wherever we go... Look at life from a different perspective and you will see that your life has infinite dimension.

The ∞ of your life meets up with the ∞ of God and that's where the magic happens.

You're probably thinking "this girl is crazy. Thought she was talking about God and now we are on the topic of cylinder cones and infinity... this makes total sense." And it does because God is infinite!!!

We can never understand God completely but there is an access to his understanding and wisdom and knowledge for life and who He is if you ask for it..

Whether you know Him or not... He wants to know who you are. all you need to know is that you have infinity laced in your DNA and if you have any desire to figure it out you best start by discovering, learning, and spending time with the infinite designer of infinity.

I know I have. Will you???

P.S. Thanks young missionary chap -- my brain, my heart, and my soul are racing for the lineage of infinity.

Also... beautiful art by ~vladstudio...

http://vladstudio.deviantart.com/art/Infinity-Blue-83392103

Artist Block... "and we're rolling!!!!"

There's something mildly off-key about my thought process.

It's seeking, searching, freaking out!!! I need some way of expressing this compression of hunger to create something brilliant.

The problem, I have no idea what that certain expression is supposed to be, or what it should consist of or what opportunity will lead to that perfect element of my brand new source of artistry.

Madness. Madness I say! My brain is going a million miles an hour... so fast, but somehow I am able to sit still, leveling out this high of vibration to sit and blog about it.

It can be frustrating. Writer's block. Artists' block. Mind Block. Grrrr. At least I have something going for me.

I'm seeking, searching, yearning. I don't really have that amazing lead role in the most famous show or film, but I do have the same passion that I would if I did have that amazing opportunity. Freedom to express. Freedom to fulfill my dreams by means of working in the business that impacts the entire world.

Speaking of influence....my friend is an actress in the upcoming Indie Film entitled "God's Country." A faith based film with a strong crew and beautiful cast.

The intensity of spiritual warfare is escalating ever so quickly.

I was working on this untitled film on Hollywood Blvd last week... and while we were there an actual shooting went down at the intersection of Hollywood and Vine.

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/hollywood-shooting-john-atterberry-tyler-brehm-272996

Whoa. Talk about the defense of the enemy. Crazy. What this means is a calling for offense! There's no fear allowed in this game plan. I'm talking about the necessity of prayer, and waiting on what God will have us do. I will tell you this...

GOD WANTS US TO KEEP WALKING DURING TRIALS. IT'S THE ENEMY THAT WANTS TO SLOW US DOWN.

Even Jesus said "Hey, let the dead bury the dead. Get up and follow me."

It's obvious, the enemy is trying to throw as many booby-traps in the way of this film as he possibly can. He's doing just as David said he would... "That darn debil is gonna kill and destroy."

But as I was told in Brazil by an old woman...83 years old.... "The enemy is going to try and kill you, but do not be afraid. The blood of Jesus covers your life."

Obviously... I'm not dead. I guess I'm on a good path! What this path entails is a hungry appetite of love satisfied by the grace and nutritious blessing of God's word.

READ IT!!! First, I have to be interested in what God wants to do...even if it means dragging my lazy butt out of bed to read something.

It's intense... and I will say it might sound religious.... that is if the only thing you do is read.

There's a difference between reading and conversing.

I used to think praying was like leaving a voicemail for God and he would eventually respond. Now I know that it's like sending a text message, and there is instant response. In fact, God is always waiting for a text. ALWAYS.

Take into consideration...

The crush concept.

There is much to discover about physical attraction and its ability to take our subconscious dependency to an extreme high.

You know what I'm talking about.

That almost near perfect person just walked into your life! The conversation was intriguing and life altering... You have a billion thoughts racing in your mine about what you are sure to say, but your vocal chords have struck out and called it quits. As a matter of fact, your entire brain has temporarily shut down. There's nothing you can say or do to express how you feel!

Until..... You jump into your car and let out the squealy-ish scream of your dear life!

Everything starts functioning again! You are completely- not normal. But that is okay. No one really is what we call NORMAL. Life is in to much opposition to that term.

To resume... The crush sets in. Nothing you can possibly do will let this hunk or hottie leave your crazy brain!!!

This is the point in my young history that I have first discovered a way of retaliating this obsessive mental behavior.

PRAYER.

Please. Revoke. All. Yippee. Excitement. Reverences. haha

"Hey, God! I'm thinking about ______ again. And again, and again, and again! I just really can't use any distractions in my life. All I want is to figure out what's wrong, or going on with me that I just want to run away from my feelings. Feelings are dumb... but wait. I've said for a long time I've been thinking about what 'he' might be like and this is a really good chance, that, well... I don't want to say much more because I just want to figure out what you want out of me first."

This is an ongoing adventure to discover the physical laws of a crush. It's crazy, but I'm learning.

Love is breaking my heart...

I'm extremely enamored by the strength of God who resides in your life. Why else would I have such a strong inclination to grow in the Spirit at such a strong rate-and in such a short period of time? It's insane. I go to my hideaway and dive straight into the light of God's word. I'm sick of the dark shadows I've been hiding in. Every moment of every day seeking to know God at a deeper, more intimate level. I love the God in your heart, and that might just make your soul the other side of mine. So I'm looking to the other side of the waterfall. Still can't make out a clear depiction of the face, but the vision is breathtaking.

So for now I'm going to dream and submit them like a recently rendered demo reel. Time to seek greater strength that God has been telling me I deserve.

Part of me thinks... I need to be prettier, smarter, wittier.

No, that's not it at all. In fact, those longings are lies.

For truth, I just want to Know God. I just want to have him as my:

Provider

Protector

Security

Identity

Tranquility

Refuge.

And I want to know so badly, "Lord, what did David mean to say by telling God that He was a 'fortress' and 'stronghold'?"

I just want to figure out, because recently I just want to run to somebody's warm embrace.

If I really wanted that I could get it easily...but I know that's not what God wills.

He wills that I would seek his Presence for all.

It's hard to say that "GOD IS ALL I NEED." It is, I'm not going to lie.

I think, well what about my desires? As my mom always said, God knows the desires of your heart...

I know that. I'm learning to understand it.

My heart wants love to be real in the most un-sensible way, ever.

So Lord, take it away.

A lot to be learned

Yup, that's my house...I mean heart. It's super cute! Or, used to be anyways. Then my life was shaken by the rocky foundation I was built upon.

It's a day of renovation. Ugh.. I hate it when somebody extracts the truth right out of my heart like I wrote it on a name tag or something. It's good though. If I lived comfortably, I wouldn't grow. Truth: when I become stubborn to my taurus nature, its usually a sign that some major spiritual restoration is going on, from the inside out!

Somewhere in my memory. There you are. There I am. There we are. Dancing, laughing.

But then I see the young faces of a child or two running happily throughout a park as the twilight glistens to make glitter in the air of the dust we take for granted.

You speak so straightforward and with such amazing logic. It's a standpoint on which I can rest my tired feet like a cobblestone in the most whimsical garden... and then I look back to see the watercolor landscape of my abstract mind.

Compatible? I have no idea how. I learn things by design and I write what I understand by expression with the Spirit as my audience. I can't explain to you how things work, only to grace a logical brain with the essence of pure magic. Call it ecstasy if you want, what I create is like a drug to me, and in that space I find the means of my intellectual dependance.

Read what I have written in the secret place of my prayer lobby, and you may never believe that what I have conjured up is from mere thinking in time and space as a resonance for the wavelength I live in...

Goodness, I don't know. There are a lot of things I am not able to explain. All I can discern is that I for one cannot live by absence of creative outlet. There would not be a way for me to un-contain my empathy, joy, love, hurt. It would all form a vortex of lavish destruction for my soul.

I am spoken to by visual parable and metaphoric landscapes or objects that I come to find amazing, and most significant in life.

Some say that I live life with my head in the clouds. I should pay attention to life around me.

Yes. This is true. I am a wanderer. Note taken.

What I don't understand is why people don't take to noticing the creation of God around them more often. It's all so amazing. Trees, leaves, bugs.

People my age think I'm crazy. Older folks say that I have joy and that I should never lose it.

Of course. I am crazy, I will admit it. This is only in a minute sense let me say. I can have a good time, laugh my butt off and then take part in a conversation at full listening capacity a minute later.

Unfortunately I am somewhat ADD. Also, I may be somewhat bipolar. That's an onset of my genetics.

My dad is a genius but can't express what he means to say, and my mother is highly creative and especially gifted in communication.

It's a dangerous mind that I have. I can create, destroy, and imagine at infinite depths for hours on end. Here's the danger of it... and this could apply to you as well. Enough pondering on one thought is enough to create an obsession by means of acting upon thoughts- to become actions, and then habits, and then mindsets and ultimately life style.

I know that I have been given a choice to not act upon the horribly dark nature within me, and thank heavens for that. I have been set free eternally. Somebody said that It's time to let go and let God, as much as I wanted to hang on to the idea that I could possibly turn my own life around... I failed miserably.

Example: "Dear God, I know I totally screwed up today. But you know, as I promised, that I would be working on my problem. It's getting worse by the minute, but I'm fighting it everyday. Please help me overcome this thing that I constantly can't get over. (Oh crap I'm thinking those thoughts again while I'm praying.) God this is way to much. Just make me not think those things or take my vision away, would you. I can't keep defiling these amazingly beautiful people that you have created. "

... My prayer life really sucked at that point in my life. Constantly asking God for help with my problem, but never really putting the problem in the light, so to speak... It was always a 'beat around the bush' conversation. Like, 'You see I have this problem, and I need help with it, but I'm not gonna tell you what it is." Even though he knows quiet well what is going on with me.

Over time, and then at a drastic point of learning I realized I'd never really let go and let God. I was a massive hoarder of stuff I didn't need, while all along the Holy Spirit was trying to overhaul and rearrange furniture in the heart He'd made his home. This is my heart I'm speaking of.

It's been dark, drab, and kind of icky. At least it was at the beginning. It's had a lot of restoration, and the process is never easy. As a matter of fact, I make the process quite difficult. I keep bringing crap into the heart to hoard.

Recently, I've noticed that I've hoarded some crazy stuff in my material life. So--I've been donating to the goodwill by the trunk load. Every day I have stuff to get rid of.

Lesson learned, there is always something to learn, always more stuff to throw out, and always new things you will discover, and other things you will uncover by getting rid of the piles of junk in your heart.

Start the renovation process. Ask for help, the movers will come in, but be warned, there will be a whole lot of stuff you will have to let go of. There's more to this story, but I will share in greater lengths for the future.